Just want to tell you all that you rock. The only thing helping me to keep moving besides Ariah wishing for me to come back with a baby (which I have to admit is a pretty strong motivator especially given last time) are your comments, your insights, your words of support, but truly the net you have woven of love and wishes and compassion. Thank you all and please, please, keep it up. Naiomi, the Merrells! Wow. It is so good to hear your voices. I need it.
I am too tired to explain with any redemptive quality how tough this is. See, even that is the understatement of the year. It is just hard... every moment of every day it is hard. A fight of sorts in my psyche, even I dare say in my Spirit. I want to fold and hop on a plane with everything that I have and yet I want this child with the same everything that I have. And I wish I could say that I was god with positive visualization, with the ways of Jerry and Esther Hicks or the Secret. But if what I feel is going to be what I get then I am doomed because my mind has not been producing much good lately. I am riddled with fear and terror, worst case scenarios and sometimes still despair.
But then, I stay anyway due to hope. So many people rooting for us, for me here in Kigali and across the world. I will let everyone down if I fold now. Myself included.
Tomorrow I go back to the Ministry to see if progress has been made. And I am terrified.
Kmom, you talk about labor, going thru your past issues, births...I can tell you that "last time" is up for me big time. I am terrified mostly now cause last time I was safe up until last minute. Everything was fine but plummeted the closer I got. Same thing now... I fear that the closer I get the more doomed I become. What a lovely thing the psyche is. What I need is a good thorough watching of Borat. Yes, indeed it is true. I love the film Borat. Makes me laugh so much that I have no room for any emotion other than complete joy. Kinda like Charlie the Unicorn did for Amy.
Anyway. I have to go to sleep. I had a big day which involved quite the traumatizing walk with the dog where I am staying. Apparently people are scared of dogs here, particularly after the history (which everyone very sensitive to right now since today is the anniversary of the beginning of the killings) and when I left the gate for the street, kids started throwing things at us and hollering, screaming and running away but also running toward us egging on the poor girl till finally she chased a child and bit him.
Please pray that this is it and our family can move ahead after tomorrow.
Our Journey to Pacifique
OUR NEW VIDEO! disable site music first
Rukundo Pacifique Holliman officially adopted June 19, 2009
We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life.
But those who make their journey home across time & miles,
growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,
are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us
by God's very own hands.
Welcome Rukundo Pacifique!!!
Finally! After a year and a half of trying to adopt in Rwanda, we are by the Grace of God with our new son, whose given name is Rukundo Pacifique! In Rwanda the people have a Kinyarwandan name and a French name, and our son was given his during his hospital stay after he was found by two young boys in the bush on the night of December 5th, 2008.
Rukundo means love and Pacifique, peace. We have been searching for peace for a very long time, but we thought it was a feeling we were longing for. Now we know it was also a human being we were being called to.
Bless this child, he is a miracle indeed. He was likely born very prematurely and left in the bush by his mother. We will never know her story, but we imagine it. He has now a second chance at life and love as we do after a long journey after losing our beloved son, Trace Oak.
Trace was born still at term- the same day that I lost my womb. What kept us afloat in the current of grief was Hope.... Mizero in Kinyarwanda. Hope brought us to search for Pacifique, and Pacifique and Trace will always share a very beautiful brotherhood. With Trace's gift of life and death came Pacifique's gift of love from our family.
Rukundo means love and Pacifique, peace. We have been searching for peace for a very long time, but we thought it was a feeling we were longing for. Now we know it was also a human being we were being called to.
Bless this child, he is a miracle indeed. He was likely born very prematurely and left in the bush by his mother. We will never know her story, but we imagine it. He has now a second chance at life and love as we do after a long journey after losing our beloved son, Trace Oak.
Trace was born still at term- the same day that I lost my womb. What kept us afloat in the current of grief was Hope.... Mizero in Kinyarwanda. Hope brought us to search for Pacifique, and Pacifique and Trace will always share a very beautiful brotherhood. With Trace's gift of life and death came Pacifique's gift of love from our family.
9 comments:
Jaya, I hope everything goes well for you tomorrow! I hope they have everything ready for you and you get placed with a child and can even volunteer while you wait for more paperwork. That, at least, would help you feel like you are accomplishing something. Not just waiting. Hoping for you every minute! Thanks for keeping us up on what's going on.
and this, this is rice? no, no thats cheese. and this, this is rice? nope, that's cheese...
i think one of the most healing moments of my life so far; watching that with mom and dad and hearing you laugh, laughing with you. no matter how much dust gets kicked in your face, no matter how much you feel like its all going to crumble again, remember that laughter.
I love you. i linked to you on my blog. but i love you more. more than linking you on my blog i guess.
Adding my voice to the others supporting you, hoping for you and sending you love and strength to persevere.
Kristi
Ri came over yesterday afternoon and she and Esther set up "house" in the living room. They poured uncooked rice into bowls, sat on the floor and pretended to eat with their hands. Then they requested some African music. That sent me to iTunes (not that I don't already have some African music) and saw me downloading 16 songs, I'm so weak. We played the music loud and the girls laughed and sang and danced and called each other "Sis."
Try to let go of the outside pressure to see this to fruition.No one is expecting you to perform miracles.You are doing everything you can and that is enough.
=But then, I stay anyway due to hope. So many people rooting for us, for me here in Kigali and across the world. I will let everyone down if I fold now. Myself included.=
Deat Jaya,
This is ridiculous. No one in the world will have the idea that you let them down. It is like you said; your mind is running away with you, filling you with nonsense and tearing you apart. When I am knocked down with ego, I focus on my breathing and when I do so and the terrifying thoughts, dissapear, I get a clue of who I really am again. So breath in and out, dear Jaya and tell yourself that you are NOT this train of thoughts. You are the space where thoughts can come in.
Breath, focus on your breathing, Jaya.
Love,
Eugenie
Don't know if you remember me, Jaya, Angela B from the Houston area with ICAN, but I have been following your story. Know that more love and prayers and simple well-wishes are coming from Texas, too. I will continue to hold you in my heartand pray for your journey to conclude quickly and joyously.
Hi Jaya,
Another day for you to take in. Tomorrow will be what tomorrow is. Your friend Eugenie suggest you breath. A good idea. much love to you, Naiomi
Dear baby of mine, Your brother's entry, made me cry, and laugh. I am so glad I gave you Borat for Christmas. Didn't we have a good time( ok we embarrased your husband, I am sorry for that)
Your friends are so wise-'stand porter at the door of thought' and 'when thou prayest, go into the closet'- in other words, please, stand firm, and know that you can go to that quiet place with no distractions( the closet) to pray. What you are experiencing, these are day terrors, dear- give them no more power than a dream where you turn into a toad and go to the ball at the castle.
Be clear, harmony and Life are the natural right plan of the universe- you are not creating that harmony, and certainly not that life. You merely reflect it and are blessed by it, thereby blessing others.
Arms of love all around, mum
Scorn not the slightest word or deed,
Nor deem it void of power;
There's fruit in each wind-wafted seed
That waits its natal hour.
No act falls fruitless; none can tell
How vast its power may be
Nor what results enfolded dwell
Within it silently.
A whispered word may touch the heart
And call it back to life;
A look of love bid sin depart
And still unholy strife.
Work and despair not; bring thy mite,
Nor care how small it be;
God is with all that serve the right,
The holy, true, and free.
Post a Comment