Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Down and out
well, they still don't have it. the woman who needed to read it hasn't yet and she also happened to be gone for the day. i am told she will be in in the am, but honestly i am breaking down. completely. the only thing i want right now is my family, ariah and scott, and i want to bail on this endeavor. i could be close, or i could be far away. i can't tell from this perspective. but i want out. now.
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26 comments:
You are there for you and your family, the rest of us can go to hell. As always, You will do what you need to do with incredible strength and grace.
mmm
Jaya- I don't know what to say other than it has got to turn around soon. I have hope that it will. I continue to think of you and your family and today I send you strength from California.
I am praying every day for you and your baby to be together. Take comfort in knowing you are tremendously loved and that love will carry you through. Hope is like a sky full of stars... whether we see them or not doesn't change the fact that they are always there. Truly, it is not until the night is at its very darkest... that we see them shine the most clearly.
Kim
Jaya, I admire your courage and your incredible strength; you are an amazing woman. If I might offer you a small piece of advice, it would be this. Take this interminable time and refocus your energy. The process will take as long as needs be and you can influence it very little. Focus on learning as much about the country your baby is coming from as possible. I'm sure you are doing this to some degree already, but FOCUS on that. Still check in every day on your papers and those things you must do, but make that your job. Photograph and document and if there are libraries and museums, tour them and tell your baby about them.
Create story books for him/her about the country to which he/she will always belong. At the same time, these books can teach your daughter about the country from which her sibling comes. Document the faces of the people in your city and the homes. See the countryside if it is safe to do so. Write down the stories of those you find with whom you can communicate. It will be something your entire family will cherish (and the rest of us would love to read too :)
I know that this cannot remove the stress and frustration from your life, but I personally find that if I have a focus, a job to do, I worry less and introspect less. Those are your enemies in this process.
I found this little poem and I thought it was beautiful. I hope it makes you smile...
KISSES IN THE WIND (The Waiting Child's Lullabye)
I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.
I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.
Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.
May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.
Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.
May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.
Written by: © Pamela Durkota
God Bless you and keep you and let you meet your baby soon
Priscilla
Jaya...
You know that Scott and Ariah know they have a job to do here in Middletown Springs. And they are doing a very, very good job. They understand they can't be in Rwanda to stand vigil while the process works its way through. That is the job they are asking you to do. Be strong, be patient, be true.
Stay strong Jaya, as hard as it has to be for you, it is only going to be harder to come back without your baby. Your baby will bring you years of joy and love, it will be worth all the pain you are experiencing now! Lots of love and prayers from Missouri!
Jaya- You say "my mind has not been producing much good lately."
Who gave you that job?
Your job, your #1 JOB, is to remain receptive to good. To reflect Good. You do not produce good. It is already there, all around you. Keep that window clean and clear of muddy thoughts. Let the good shine in!
Charles
Steamboat Springs
Jess,
In times of discouragement, my dad used to remind me about hitting that big boulder with the sledgehammer, in an attempt to break it. Over and over and over you hit it – with no result. You fear you will never be able to muster the strength to break it. You're tired. You're discouraged. You just can't go on. On the next blow, unexpectedly, the rock splits into a million pieces. Of course, what wasn't apparent is that with every blow, small, possibly imperceptible, but necessary changes were occurring. The case was moving all along.
You are there, on the ground, in Rwanda with a specific mission. To get a baby? No, sorry. To express God: love, patience, grace, trust, meekness, compassion, spirit, soul -- all the qualities you were born to express. By doing this, and doing it steadfastly, the angels know where to land. They carry the gifts of God.
Love, Dad
Jaya,
Holding you in my arms, from the other side of the world.
Don't give up!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2SXNCkpIDY
Hope you can hear this. Cry, and move on. You can do this.
Eugenie
Jess,
Those who do the impossible do it with one more step. When you feel you can't take that one more step you need to reach out and take it anyway. Your journey has taken you so far already just take one more step. We are all behind you.
The Merrill Family
You are a stranger to me, but I am captivated by your story and think of you often. I sincerely wish that your baby will be with you soon and you can return to your family in the US and feel safe again - at least until the dust settles and you can start worrying about every little noise that beautiful baby makes! Best wishes!
~Rachel
this is a journey of hope. there is still hope. there will always be hope. we are all sending you prayers, holding you up, believing in you and this baby meeting soon. no one can tell you how when--and you have waited for so long--but i pray that you remember the hope and feel the love for us all.
kris and family
You can do this Jaya. I can't even imagine how hard it is but if you can't take it day by day just take it moment by moment. Second by second. It will happen!
Jaya,
I actually felt this way with my last pregnancy. I truly didn't think I'd be able to make it through. I was SOOOO sick, throwing up all day every day for the whole pregnancy! It happened that way with my first, too. But, I had no choice. I HAD to keep going. And, now, that I know my little angel, I would gladly go through it. I guess knowing the outcome has a huge effect. If someone could just tell you a time to expect something, it would be so much easier. If the woman will be back tomorrow morning, then it may be just what you need. I hope she is. Please know that we expect nothing and you'll be letting NO ONE down if you come home. You may not be happy with that decision, but it's none of our business. We are here to support you and nothing else. So, don't waste a second of worry about any of us. But, I don't think you will go home without a baby in your arms. You've come too far. You have such strength and you are SOO close. I pray tomorrow goes well, and if it doesn't I pray you have the strength to deal with that. We are all here for you and wishing things would hurry up! It may just be a matter of a few days before you have that sweet baby in your arms.
{{{Jaya}}}
Oh sweet friend what labors are requested of you ... I am in awe. You who helped me in my healing journey so much ... now take strength from us. We hold you up in spirit and support your journey.
My heart explodes in love thinking of you and your journey.
When you loose hope even for a fraction of a moment, we will hold it for you.
Love and belief,
Tami
That's it. I'm calling Oprah. If she can't get you in that orphanage, no one can.
this might be a bit of a personal thing to write on a public blog, but considering that you pour your heart out on an almost daily basis, here goes- it's an exerpt from the story of guv's birth that you wrote for us (and which i treasure immensely)-
"Peggy and I talked to her a bit about the need to really stay in the moment, right here and now, rather than to be thinking about how much longer and how much harder. Just to take it as it came and trust that she would be able to make it through the next phase too. I spent some time talking with Bonnie about how far she had come. I reminded her of her journey to this pregnancy, how she probably never would have imagined that she would need to walk the path she had traversed, loosing three babies and overcoming so much... She never would have imagined that she would be able to do the injections, just as now she can't imagine having the strength to get through the birth. But it was there regardless. She was powerful indeed and she would get through."
Jaya, you are universally wise. on so many levels. We love you.
Jaya
We are both on journeys of waiting for babies. When i woke up this morning, I was shocked at the day light...Not last night??? not last night?
I don't know how much longer. Nor do you. But we will wait. With grace. With anticipation. With frustration.
I came to the blog, allowing myself to be full of hope, hope for you. That you will have resolution. And I read...Not yet.
We both wait jaya. We wait for the love to find us. And in the mean time, we need to find the love. We will find today, as an opportunity to bring joy to the world...a gift for whoever will accept it.
Drinking from the cup of love and grief, we wait. Find some joy Jaya, even if it wasn't the joy you were looking for.
much love,
Bonnie
Jaya-
I think you are an incredicle woman of strength and my thoughts and prayers are with you always.
I send my love-
Auntie Bets "Leisha"
I'm still waiting, checking in obsessively, sending you hope and love and strength to persevere. Hang in there.
Kristi
good thinking betsy! do it! :)
i just came across your blog yday. i have never read anyone's blogs before but i sat here and read every single posting. i was, and still am, in awe of your story. since then, i have been telling everyone i know about--asking THEM to pray for this woman i don't even know that is rwanda to get her baby...i sit here with my three kids and still can not stop thinking of you. you are in my thoughts, and will be in my prayers, and i will full of HOPE for you--i can not wait for you to be with your baby.
abby (in MI)
For some reason it has taken me too long to find out about this blog. So now I am here too, holding you in love, prayer and hope. "Here's a hand pulling you on, Holding you strong, Holding you weak Here's a hand pulling you on."
Let go of the fear...
Breathe in all of our love and do what you need to do.
I love you,
leslie
Jaya,
My heart is cracking open with the pain that I feel for you. When will this agony you are going through end?I am being shown an oak tree encircled in light and remembering the moto at of my Quaker schooling of Mind The Light.
Please hang in there. We are all sending our prayers.
Love
Diane
Keep writing, keep writing, keep writing. It just gets betterer and betterer. And it gives us, those who are waiting and hoping with you, something to turn over in our minds while we busy ourselves with other, comparably monotonous and mundane tasks. Remember this: your house, your couch, your kitchen table, your yard, your friends and family, will all be right here, the same as always, when you get back. And once you are back here, you will most likely dream of Africa.
Dear Jessica,
Dad sent me to your blog and I, like so many, have found your messages to be truly poignant and beautifully written. It’s been a while since we last saw each other in Rutland and now you are in Rwanda—the heart of Africa.
My partners and I are making a movie called Watching Max which is a story about a garbage man in Philadelphia who finds an abandoned baby. As we summarize it, “Watching Max is a heartfelt, urban love story about people full of fear, taking big risks to break out of their personal prisons. In the end we see that although it takes a “village to raise a baby,” in an odd way, perhaps “sometimes it takes a baby to raise a village.” You can see a trailer for the film at www.crazyquiltentertainment.com.
You are a living version of our movie and what a wonderful village has already been raised to support you. Of course you are confronted by time at every turn, just as we all are, but calling time into question is a huge help. Not that time is going to disappear, but rather it is the measuring by time that is a problem and is actually unnecessary. Look for the timeliness of all things. That’s what we see as winter changes to spring. I truly hope this adoption will be just that natural and timely.
You did not go to Rwanda incomplete seeking to “get” something to make you or your family more complete and you cannot leave Rwanda incomplete. Work out from at-one-ment (your at-one-ment with Love) where there is no separation or division no matter what the senses claim.
Instead of being the mother who is in labor; practice being the child who is truly loved and cared for. The love you have for your children is the same love God has for you.
May grace be with you.
Sincerely,
Rick Hervey
Naperville, IL
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