Alright, I'll admit it. The waiting is slowly eating away at me.
Eating away? How is that you might say? Well, I can no longer sleep. Just like pregnancy insomnia when the dark hits and my emotions hit the wall... suddenly I am sure of only one thing: that I cannot do this anymore, that this is never happening and really it is all just a joke. Harumph. And then there are the days when I awake and open one eye just a tiny reluctant slit, only enough to verify that there is light and that the light is actually real and not just a twist of my constantly morphing dreams. "Yup, I really am here," I think. "And it is another day so find one thing to be grateful for before you even move. Just think, you'll have your baby soon!" And then the day spirals downward from there, a constant fight to stay upbeat and happy in the moment and not slip into complete despair and assurance that this is never going to happen. I struggle all day, the ratio of positive vibes to resignation that this is all a cruel joke follows a definite downward decline. By the time night falls, I have given up completely and the insomnia of wretched feelings begin anew.
Fun. Fun.
So it is night and I give up. I found out that our paperwork is not even thru to the Embassy yet and I have no idea when it will be going... I feel as if all our longing and hopes and dreams are in the hands of some entity much like the Wizard of OZ himself (of course before we found out he was just a regular person). Last night I failed to sleep since I was worried sick about going into Kenya the whole night. The night before that I did fall asleep, but a clap of random wintertime thunder startled me awake. I nearly lept out of the bed gasping for breath as I thought I was being bombed in Africa. Hard to know where I am these days... my heart and body seem to already be stretched somewhere between Middletown Springs, Vermont and Kigali, Rwanda. Stretched between Trace and this new baby, both of whom I never really met. So if I seem distracted or not here completely these days, I would say it stands to reason.
So please send out all the vibes and prayers you have. Please pray for strength and lightheartedness and trust and guidance. Please pray for a safe journey, divine timing and patience. Gods know I need everything I can get right now.
All blessings,
Jaya
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5 comments:
Oh Jaya, I am so sorry to hear you are down. I think one of the best things you could do for yourself is find a person to go with you to Rwanda. It seems like a lot, but it is scary to do something like that alone. Also, remember that things like this are slow moving. At least you've gotten this far. According to your first few entries, the average adoption would still be doing their homestudy. I know these are empty words because I am not living it. I also don't have any idea of the stress that's involved. But, if it were me, I'd be very impatient. So, who am I to talk? If it were me, also, I would do everything I could to get someone to go with me. It would just take the pressure off. I would even go into debt to pay for them to go. Also, I don't know how you are thinking about this, but if that child is "meant" for you, then this wait it just what it needs to be. I'm sure that's not helpful, either, when you're actually waiting! All I can say is that I think of you many times a day and send good vibes many times as well. I hope things move along for you. I also want to say that your being able to talk about this stuff is a good thing. One more thing. I'm sure you have thought of this, but is there a program where they fly to child to you? Maybe it would be safer. Or, once you get there, could you hire a guide and have someone with you who understands everything? I sincerely wish you the best and hope for you everyday. Thank you for sharing this with us. Please tell us what you need and maybe we can help.
Meg
Hang in there Jaya. Know that you have many people out there praying for you and your family.
I heard the thunder as well. It made me run to the window and throw it open. I was convinced an airplane was about to land on our house. Once I realized what it was, I squatted there, by the open window, and breathed the freezing, silent air deep into my lungs. Chicken Little is not alone. Be brave, be sure. And keep breathing, in and out.
I am slightly caught up now with you here. Thank you for sharing your moment to moment experience with us Jaya so that we can track you and your family.
Have you spoken to other parents/ mothers who have gone through this process? I can think of one midwife, Kristin that you could speak to most likely if you wanted to be met in greater understanding than most of us here would ever know.
I have no wise words. Simply, I am here. I am listening. I am praying. ALisa
Jaya, I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and we're still here for you. Sending a hug your way. Hope things are looking up or you have the strength to deal with what comes your way. I'm listening.
Meg
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