Music in My Heart

So we were on the plane and Ariah was leaning over onto my chest, snuggling up. She is the one who was sure a baby was coming to us from Rwanda . She knew it was a boy. She knew the Minister said yes the day before she informed us of our approval. The girl is in touch. She is leaning on my chest on the airplane, so quiet she could easily be asleep or just barely there, and I hear her say, "You have music playing in your chest."

Course she also told me I had a parade in my belly, which was accurate as well, seeing that I was as bloated and gaseous as could be from the airplane food that they serve every two hours.

Back to the music... turns out, Ariah has been right all along. I do have music in my heart. Pacifique is a blessed boy, he smells good (once you get the orphanage smell off him) and he is ever so soft on the skin, he has beautiful brown skin and eyelashes that go up to his eyebrows. He smiles and coos and, well... spits up incessantly. I'm wishing I brought a lot more clothes for him tahn I did, cause we need to change outfits constantly.

So yesterday was successful going thru the first step with the adoption, the sector. Apparently here we get a fancy Act of Adoption filled out where we were required to show lots of detailed papers for Pacifique. We walk into the halls of the sector which are dark and gloomy, and Pacifique startles and flexes his back. His eyes open wide and he becomes tense. It wasn't until today when I was outside the orphanage with Pacifique and walked into the halls of the orphanage to the baby room that I realized what he was reacting to. He did the exact same thing with his body as we entered the orphange, so I am guessing the dark hallway reminds him of his residence, which while they really do a marvelous job considering the situation taht they face, really isn't where any child should have to grow up. Looking in the baby room this morning, seeing Pacifique's bed and roommates was quite shocking. I do not think I have processed it at all yet- a dark, stuffy room filled with cribs so small side by side by side and filled with very small babies. Pacifique really does not cry with us, and he has had a life of un-attachment parenting so far. He is in his crib all day I suppose, gets fed when he is lucky. So he has learned to roll with it, not cry at all, and be tough.

Our document was ready yesterday, our swell lawyer went to the serious court today and was able to obtain a court date for us tomorrow at 8 am! Holy moly! Then I guess he is officially ours, although we cannot leave the country until a few more important steps are done, which could take a while.

We have checked into a hotel tonight after having stayed with dear friends the last few days... the hotel is very nice and accomodating, has wireless, a swimming pool, a fire at night, breakfast in the morning, and is at a very nice location. Right across from the famous Hotel Rwanda, the Mille Collines. Tonight the front desk man helped with my computer. A young Rwandese man, who when he bent down to type in our internet code revealed a mass amount of deep scarring to his skull. It took everythig I had not to reach out and run my hand along the criss crossing 8 inch scar lines, weeping.

So tomorrow we have court! Cross you fingers, and hope we don't have spit up (which this kid gives new meaning to) on the judge like we did on the passport photo equipment today. Reading all your messages and seeing you all write has been amazing! Truly a highlight of our days. Keep it coming and God Bless!

Arrived Today, Tuesday

So we are all here safe in Kigali, Rwanda. I certainly have plenty of blogging material due to the hectic and chaotic and mainly disappointing nature of our trip here, but the time is lacking to use the stories and observations usefully. Scott awaits me (well...sorta, he's fast asleep) in bed, and we have to get up early tomorrow to begin the day.

Long story short, we left for Boston on Saturday at noon, stayed at very nice hotel, woke at 3 am to get to airport, flew like clockwork to Dulles for our 10 am trip to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. Well, the sign at the gate says 10:30, then we hear at 11 that there is a maintenance problem. Actually, technically speaking we can't make out any words, just a man making fuzz on the loud speaker, but word on the street as we come to know it after 24 hours of waiting, is that there is a significant maintenance problem. Ethiopian Airlines tells us as little as possible, sometimes things like "we are almost thru cleaning" and "we are just now finishing the repair" but hours fly by until at 4:30 they announce (again, just static fuzz over the PA) that we wil be put up in a hotel. Now the logical overdrive kicks in and I am thinking about 300 people all managing to obtain vouchers and get shuttled to the hotel and then back again for the 3 am check-in now required to make the morning flight. I also begin adding up the cost to the airline for this procedure they are about to invent apparently for the first time, and the best I can figure is that we will all get to the rooms in time to sleep about 2-3 hours and then begin the process back to the airport a full 24 hours after we had done this the first time. I would have gladly accepted cash money in order to save the airline the cost of the hotel and the shuttles (they hold TWELVE PEOPLE AT A TIME, and yes I am yelling!) and the buffet dinner they provided and stayed in the gate itself snoozing on the floor... and it likely would have been more resting!

Long story but we did end up leaving Monday at around 8 am... and the flight was as marvelous as one can get a 17 hour flight to be (and that isn't counting the 3 hours to Kigali). So we just about arrive and Ariah gets sick. For the first time in my life I get to use the white lined bags they so thoughtfully place in the seat pockets. I flash to how those darn germs could have possibly spread from my neighbor to us when we have been strictly quarantined for the past 2 weeks at least. And I flash to how on earth we are going to get thru the airports now, and evade the people asking what is wrong while they hand out Swine Flu information sheets, and flash even more forward to how this could impact our plans and progress here in Kigali. It is truly amazing how quick the mind of a worried, distraught mother can work. Thank goodness I brought Scott along to help keep me balanced. I can hardly get him to look up from his Taoist book the entire time, and I can confirm now that not only can the craziest roller coaster on earth not get a rise out of him, but the flight crazies (cancellation and mayhem that ensued) and the Ariah pukes does not get any attention either. That man is truly patient and flowing. He convinced me that Ariah was merely dehydrated, something that was fixed with some serious sleep and hydration.

So we get into Kigali (all our bags arrived!) and dear friend Julie picked us up. I inquire about court first thing, and hear that there was a big problem that held up the court progress. She informs us that it is now fixed, and things are on track. After being given the option of seeing Pacifique immediately today or resting and going in the morning, we quickly resolve to rest considering all the situation, and go fresh in the morrow.

Yeah, well that lasts about 10 minutes until I say, "are we sure....?" and over rehydration, Julie informs us of the problem Sunday. She got a call from the Sister at the orphanage saying that their doctor had been by and examined Pacifique, reporting that it was likely he would never walk. Progress haults. Julie suggests a second opinion, which they received quickly. A good Belgian doc looked him over and disagreed, coming to the conclusion that Pacifique was likely a preemie and now more like 4 months old developmentally. So he is not walking yet. Anyway, this information spurs us to go meet Paci and bring him to yet another doctor for review.

My goodness. I was a nervous wreck. I didn't know what to expect, I didn't even trust myself to know what to do when I got let in the gates to the orphanage. We really hadn't prepared Ariah for this yet, not that I know how to prepare her regardless, but it seemed so sudden and I was unprepared in some ways. How that is possible after years of dreaming of this child, I do not now.

Anyway, we park at the top of the hill to the orphanage and walk down. We come to the blue gates (thanks Megan for getting me here!) and knock. I notice I have placed myself behind the entire group of us and decide I had better suck it up and move forward. The sisters welcome us and they are so disarming and pleasant and happy. Pacifique has a fever they say, so they want us to get him checked. Eventually a sister walks toward us with a bundle in her arms, She holds him so we can see him, and I greet him for a while with her holding him. Then suddenly he is put in my arms nd it takes just a minute for me to feel comfortable accepting him, actually the minute is more liek the time it takes for me to let myself love him. And when I do, I hold him over my shoulder and feel his warm head against my face, cheek. And I cry. I just cry just as my friend did when she finally succeeded in pushing out her baby into her arms in the tub. She held him and cried, as did I. As I cry, I feel the people move in around me , and sisters are coming from many directions toward us, and i feel I may actually be in a real live Hallmark advertisement.

And Pacifique leaves with us for the rest of the day... Ariah is a natual big sister, holding him so nicely and consciously, loving him, caressing him. It was so good to see her happy again. She says she loves him already just like she loved Trace.

Dad seems happy too, immediately holding him and making him smile. Pacifique reaches out to grab him, his earring and his nose. What a happy day. The doctor is wonderful, sees nothing wrong with the child, and yes, he has a fever which is unexplained to date. Tomorrow we get to go to court and see if we can proceed on to our next court date that will make Pacifique legally our son. But in our hearts, he has been for a long time now.

We're Headed to Rwanda!

So... I know it has been nearly a year since I have posted, but it looks like it is a good thing I didn't erase this whole blog out of despair and frustration in the interim. We are going to need it again to keep you all updated on our progress with adopting our son in Rwanda!

There were times over the last year (and a year before that) when I thought I would literally die from the agony of never being able to become a mother again... and now after a complete miracle, we have been approved in Rwanda by the Minister in charge of adoptions. We have, through the Grace of God found a son who is waiting for us in the Home of Hope orphanage. Bless the Sisters who prayed on this choice they faced of which of the orphans was to be united with our family. While they first told us there were "no" babies who were young... that they were all 1 year or more... they apparently had something shift, because when my Kigali friend Julie went to meet the Mother Superior, she introduced a boy of 5 months, found in the bush, and named Pacifique, meaning "peace". I knew it was him, immediately.

And so we have a new lawyer who is an angel earthside... she is efficient and professional and extremely timely and communicative. What more could you ask for? She is finishing up all the details and readying for our arrival in Kigali on Monday.

So soon we will be meeting our new son, a boy who gets a second chance at love and safety and family and who gives a family orphaned somehow by the loss of their own son a second chance at life and love and family.

Stay tuned... we will try to update daily!

CHANGE GEARS

Yes, there has been deafening silence. I feel horrible, guilty, shameful, etc. But there is reason behind it all. For those of you following our journey, you know we had been told we were approved. Well, we kept waiting and waiting for the papers to be signed, and then out of the blue we got a....

DENIAL NOTICE!

Yes indeedy, can you %#$##* believe that? "Our documentation does not quite meet the requirements" in Rwanda. We have no idea what that means other than no. So. back to the drawing board.

It came as quite a shock, and we weren't/aren't updating with all the details on this public forum for a variety of reasons, mostly legal. Some would suggest an appeal in Rwanda, but that is a futile effort we believe, and as of now we are not ready to pursue international adoption in another place like Ethiopia. We are brokenhearted and exhausted.

I packed all the baby stuff away again, and it was hard altho I have to say it is nothing like the feelings I had when Trace died. It did bring up all sorts of the emotions from when Trace died and I am still really struggling over here in my little microcosm of a world. How can it possibly be that a woman who wants to be a mother so badly to a child who needs a mother can't seem to have the cards line up in her favor? It is easy to go to a place of feeling like the Universe is trying to tell me that I am not worthy. I am not sure that God is that personal, though...

Anyway, if you would like to know more, you will need to have contact with me off this public forum. Leave me your email and I will be in touch when I can. You have all been amazingly supportive and kind, and have held me up at some pretty weak times. I only wish I could have some feel-good news, but this journey is not yet at that chapter, I guess.

Along other lines, we were able to completely change the lives of 6 people in Rwanda. The family I wrote about before... the mother was trained to make jewelry by my dear friend Tina, and she has already made so much money that she opened a bank account! Days after we moved her out her old house collapsed to a three foot pile of rubble. I try to keep focused on this... we did not travel to Rwanda for not and I am sure I will be continuing work there in some way in the future. This woman and family are so grateful and they literally have a new life and joy.

Many blessings,
jaya